Q. What's with the weird name?

A. Well the original site was called Herodes' Cave. The administration team chose that name because Herodes is a Greek name, translating to "Hero Song". Because Support people are generally 'heroes' to their Survivors, often soothing them (much the way songs do), the name Herode seemed to fit. Also, even heroes need a place of refuge, somewhere to rest and heal themselves to better enable themselves to help others - hence the "Cave" part.

The idea for this board came from discussions on a forum called Healing Together on message board called Pandora's Aquarium (you can find information about it and other similar boards in the resources section on this site). I started those discussions and was keen to support a board that would give partners, family and friends supporting people who'd experienced sexual violence a chance to freely discuss what mattered most to them. But I'm a technical and message board novice so I wasn't part of the team that set up this site, though I cheered them on! When the site got going I was made a moderator in the public and shared sections and when the administration team ran into trouble I offered to help them sort things out and temporarily run the board. Unfortunately, all the members of that team now find themselves unable to continue running the board - so, here I am! I hope you'll bear with me as I learn the ropes.

Q. Who can join?

A. Anyone who cares about someone who's experienced any form of sexual violence, whether as adults, children, or both. Partners, family and friends are all welcome to join. If the person you're supporting is not your intimate partner please be sensitive about reading and posting in the Sexuality and Intimacy Forum. This is the reason why there's a separate grouping for members who are partners. I'll check with them and see what they're comfortable with and if anything changes I'll let you know.

People who've experienced sexual violence themselves are also very welcome to join, but the purpose of the site is to support the "supporters", so please only post with that in mind. If you'd like to ask for advice or information from partners, family or friends this is not the best place to do it. But don't worry - there are other message boards focused on "survivors" which have joint forums that let you ask that kind of question of "supporters" and many of them are listed in the resources section on this site.

If your interest in this board is as a researcher, please contact the administrator (me) before you register. I will not give researchers access to the private forums without full discussion with the members first and not if there are any objections.

Subjects discussed on a board like this may be graphic in nature, which is why membership is limited to those over 18, though if you're under 18 and a partner, family member or friend of someone who's experience sexual violence please contact me - I may be able to give you restricted access to the board. It's fine to post about whatever you want to (within the spirit of the guidelines), but if you think someone might be upset by reading what you've written please post a warning at the beginning of the post, for example "graphic details", "swearing", "angry vent", "possible religious triggers" etc. - in capitals would be best. There is no profanity censor on the board but out of consideration for all members please don't swear unless you put a warning ahead of it and show maturity about when and how you do it. I'll remove any swearing I see from public sections of the board and you may be asked to remove swear-words from a post if I receive a complaint.

Q. I'm new to message boards and online support groups. What if I'm not sure I'll want to stay?

Please feel free to do whatever helps you most. This is still a young community and we're all learning! I'm pretty new to message boards myself! Please post as little or as much, as often or as rarely as you'd like and feel free to leave or re-join for any reason without need for any explanation or embarrassment. Please understand that, though we're all keen to support one another, the only obligation between members here is to follow the board guidelines and terms of service, outlined in this forum or by clicking on the RULES button at the top right hand corner of your screen. People are all different and what suits one person mightn't suit another. If you'd like to try a different message board or form of support you can find information and links in the Resources and Spring Board Links forums. If you're interested in being part of the online community here just give it a try and see how it works for you! If you have any suggestions don't hesitate to post them in the Suggestions thread in the Announcements and Trouble-shooting Forum, in one of the What's Next forums or contact me directly with suggestions, problems or concerns through email (HerodesAdmin@gmails.com) or PM. I'll do my best to respond to them and accommodate your wishes within the membership's as a whole. If at any time you decide you'd like to cancel your membership just PM me or email me and I'll delete your name from the members' list.

Q. Why "survivors" and "supporters"?

A. None of us involved in starting up and running this board is a big fan of labels, but for practical purposes the administration team needed some way to divide members into groups. Some boards use "primary survivor" to refer to people who've directly experienced sexual violence, and "secondary survivor" for people who are affected by sexual violence through someone that they care about. This recognizes the trauma (often called "secondary trauma") many people go through when someone they care about has experienced sexual violence. We felt that those terms might be confusing or make some people feel less important than others, so we decided to use "survivor" and "supporter" instead. I can't think of anything better right now - but if you can, please don't hesitate to suggest it. There will be room to discuss this sort of thing on this board.

If you are both a "survivor" and a "supporter" you can use this board for support in supporting your partner, family member or friend. You should post somewhere else for support as a "survivor" (if I may, preferably not in the same place as the person you're supporting) - there are many other message boards listed in the Spring Board Links Forum. Currently you have the same access as other "supporters" but under the previous board set-up people who were both "survivors" and "supporters" had no access to the "supporter-only" sections of the board. This was because of concerns some "supporter" members had about privacy and being able to post openly without fear of hurting the feelings of any "survivors". The full access you have to the board now will be reviewed but you will be informed of, and given reasons where possible, for any changes. Please read this section of the board guidelines under the RULES button at the top right hand corner of the screen.

You may notice that "supporter" members have other titles below that indicating sub-groups - "partner", "family", "friend" or just "supporter" again. Currently all supporters have the same access to the board, but these groups will make it easier administratively if that changes in the future. If you haven't said or would rather not say what your relationship is to the "survivor" you support, or if you fit into more than one of these sub-groups, you've been put into, or will be put into the "supporter" sub-group. If anyone has any concerns or questions about this please feel free to PM me or email me.

Q. Something posted on the board has upset or offended me. What should I do?

A. We all want this board to be a very safe, supportive and friendly community, so it's very important that you don't respond harshly in any forum. Please take a little while to cool off and respond according to the guidelines which will be posted shortly under the RULES button at the top right hand corner of the screen. If you don't feel confidently cool-headed please PM me, email me or click the REPORT button at the top right hand corner of that post and I'll deal with it as soon as I can.

Many subjects discussed on a board like this are very sensitive and I think it's best for people to know up front what's OK and what's not, so please make sure you read the guidelines under the RULES button before posting. It makes sense that the people doing the discussing should decide how they want to talk about things, so I'll also post them in the Announcements and Trouble-shooting Forum and there'll be room there for discussing them.

There are filters and security measures on the board but if you see any spam or posts by people who don't seem to be genuine "survivors" or "supporters" please help me keep the board safe by sending me a PM, an email or clicking on the REPORT button.

Q. There don't seem to be very many posts. Am I seeing everything?

A. If you are a guest you should be able to see the Guest? New? READ THIS Forums, including this Welcome and Introduction, the Board Guidelines and Procedures, Terms of Service and the Announcements and Trouble-shooting Forum, as well as the public forums - the Resources Forum and the Spring Board Links Forum. Other forums are only visible once you register, to protect the privacy of our members. If you are a "survivor" member you should also be able to see G'day!, The Main Forum for Survivors and Supporters, Fun, What Next? and Lives and Loves. If you are a "supporter" member you should also be able to see The Main Forum, Sexuality and Intimacy, For You ..., and the private version of What Next? If you think there might be something wrong please PM me and let me know.

All registered members currently start off in the "survivor/new member" (limited access) group. If you're a "supporter" you won't have access to all the forums until you PM me or email me and let me know you're a "supporter". Please let me know if the title next to your name doesn't match the group you should be in for any reason. I can change who's in what group through the Admin Control Panel and I'll make the changes for you as soon as I can.


Q. What has happened to the posts in the old forums from the original board?

A. I've transferred all the posts in Howdy Y'All to G'day (as an Aussie I couldn't resist) and Fuzzy Blue Blankets to Survivors Supporting Supporters. I've transferred everything Your Song to the Main Forum, along with everything in Family and Friends. I've transferred everything in Zany to Fun. Feel free to suggest any name changes you'd like to see by posting in the What Next? Forums.

Q. I am concerned about my privacy. How are my details protected here?

A. Your details will not be available to anyone except registered members of this board. Other registered members will be able to see your email address if you use the email service to send or reply to any email. Otherwise only your user name and whatever information you choose to include in your profile will be visible. If you would rather not have your email address shared in this way use PMs instead. Please don't hesitate to contact me if you have any problems or concerns.

Although this is a moderated message board and I can ban members or limit their access I have no way of vetting people who ask to be registered here. Remember that this is the internet and people may not be who they seem. For your own security please keep your private information private. Please refer to the Terms of Service for detailed privacy advice and associated requirements of this board. These include the advice to make your username unique. If you use your Herodes' Cave Spring-Board username on dozens of websites, that's of course fine, but if you're concerned for your safety or worried it might identify you, remember I can always change it for you - it's very easy and I don't mind at all!

Please also look after the privacy and safety of your partner, family member or friend who's a "survivor". Never use their full name, mailing address, email address or phone number or give information that could tell people their identity and location. If you want to use their first name when you write about them on this board, ask their permission first, otherwise invent a name or refer to them in another anonymous way. Please ask them first before using their screen name from any other message board here or from here on any other message board.

If you're concerned by something you've read in someone's blog or which has been sent to you by email, please don't post a link or copy the full text. It is enough to talk about the basic situation and share your concern. If you quote private communications more publicly you're breaching the other person's privacy, may damage their trust and could intensify the situation. If someone you know is in crisis please don't struggle with that knowledge on your own. Call one of the crisis lines listed in the Resources Forum (or often at the front of your local phone book) or talk to your doctor, counselor, or therapist to get the advice and support you need.

Q. What if I know or suspect someone else here is supporting the same "survivor" or my family member, partner or friend is also a member of the board?

A. Please go straight to the guidelines under the RULES button (please do anyway!) and check them carefully for advice about this. If you have any problems or doubts about what to do then don't hesitate to contact me - PM's the quickest way. If my PM inbox gets full please email me at HerodesAdmin@gmail.com or by clicking on "moderating team" under the list of forums. Please don't ever use the forums here to argue with one another - it places other members in a very awkward position and can be damaging to your own relationships too.

If at any time you stop being a supporter, for example your relationship with a partner or friend definitely ends, please contact me as soon as possible and before posting again. This is just a cautionary measure.

Q. Is it OK to say what happened to the "survivor" I support?

A. It is very important to let someone who's directly experienced sexual violence tell people what happened to them in their own way and their own time. I understand that you also need support! This isn't a simple question and I think it could be a good idea to discuss the limits on this board as well. But for now let what the original administration team wrote stand - "Under NO circumstances should you be telling us your survivor's story just for the sake of posting it! Obviously, most people will take this rule for granted, but the only time you should ever be posting about your survivor's story is if it directly relates to something you're having a problem with. For instance, if your survivor is terrified of green jello because she associates it with bad things, but you're going to Aunt Bertha's house and someone inevitably brings green jello, then THAT would be something you could mention. However, even on a support board, the survivor's story is for the survivor to tell-- and the survivor only. As mentioned, there's not really a concern this will be a problem, but it's better to have everything out in the open."

Getting Started Frequently Asked Questions

Please see the other topics in this forum, or under the HELP button at the top right corner of your screen.

Lots of warm thoughts and good wishes,
Margie.