BOARD GUIDELINES AND PROCEDURES

For more information click on the scroll-shaped HELP button in the top right corner of your screen, or look through the topics in the Your Guide to the Board forum.

I'm sure everyone here wants this board to be a safe, friendly and supportive community. So what can we do to make it happen?

Things to Bear in Mind -

This board involves some very sensitive and difficult topics - sexual trauma and close relationships are not easy things to talk about! It can be hard to find words that express what we think and feel, or to even know what we do! In addition, typed words on a screen are a very limited form of expression - we can't see each other's faces or hear each other's voices. So we need to be especially careful in communicating, especially forgiving of misunderstandings, and especially respectful and gentle with one another.

Some Guidelines to Help Us Respect and Support One Another -

*Always assume good intentions
*Use "I -" statements and try to avoid generalisations
*Remember that you don't know the whole story
*Always leave room for people to correct misunderstandings
*Always leave room for people to change their minds, grow, and learn from responses
*Don't put people into boxes
*Don't question the honesty of other members
*Be tolerant of different opinions and always ready to agree to disagree
*Be willing to stop any discussion if asked to by the Board Administrator, or if it's becoming a debate which seems to be upsetting other members. If you're upset yourself please stop reading or posting in that thread.
*Be aware that what helps one person may not help another - feel free to share what's worked for you but, even with a genuine spirit of concern, please don't push particular solutions or ideas on other members
*Don't discuss other support group message boards or websites specifically or by name. Being part of a support community can be an intense experience and posts like this tend to upset members who've had different experiences of those places. Since different things suit different people, sometimes it's better to just try things out for ourselves. If you've been upset by an experience it's still OK to talk about it and get support, just not by name or with identifying details.
*If you decide to leave this board for any reason you can of course say goodbye, though please be clear that you're saying goodbye because you're leaving the board not for any other reason to prevent alarm! Please don't post negatively about this board or any member of it. Leaving posts of this kind may be deleted. You're still very welcome to raise concerns privately with the Board Administrator or any member of the Advisory Team. Your account will be deleted if you request it or if it remains inactive 30 days after such a post. Unless your membership was terminated or suspended by the Board Administrator, you're very welcome to re-register at any time if you decide you want to return.
*Don't tell other members to end relationships (remember you don't know the whole story)
*Be gentle and sensitive about criticizing another member's partners, family, friends or professionals with whom they may have a relationship of trust
*Be responsible for looking after yourself first - it's always OK to ask for support, it's not OK to blame other members if you feel you haven't been supported. People will want to support you, but sometimes the personal issues that bring us here and the normal business of life might mean you don't get as much support as you would like - please be patient and understanding
*Be considerate of other people's feelings by including warnings if you think your post might upset or offend some other members. For example "graphic details", "angry vent", "swearing" etc. Be aware that for many people religious language or beliefs are an emotive issue and can be upsetting. Please mark posts accordingly, "possible religious triggers".
*Please always ask if it's OK before offering someone a hug, since some people find any thought of physical contact upsets them, either always or sometimes.
*Please don't use any member's real name except in private messages (and never their full name in any part of this board), unless they've done so themselves first in the same place
*Please don't use sarcasm unless you mark it either "(sarcasm)" or with an emoticon - remember people can't hear the tone of your voice when it's on screen
*Whenever you can, encourage people to do what they feel is best for them, and remind them that it's always OK to post as much or as little as they like.
Remember that you don't need to make sense to post. Just say whatever you want to or can. It's surprising how often people will relate to that and understand you.
It's also surprising what a difference a few words like "thinking of you" or "I'm sorry you're having a hard time", "don't know what to say but am listening" or "gentle hugs" can make to someone. If you can't think of an answer to someone's problems, sympathizing and letting them know they're not alone can still be a valuable response, so please make it if you can!
*Swearing at, insulting or abusing other members will not be tolerated. Please don't make negative comments about other members of the board. Posts will be deleted and members who do this may be suspended or banned. Just don't do it! If someone has said something that upsets or offends you please keep a cool head, don't answer them and PM me, email me or click on the REPORT button at the top right hand corner of the post. I will deal with it as soon as possible.
*Please also report any posts that seem to be spam.

Some problems, for example medical, legal or crisis situations, need a qualified on-the-ground response. Even if members here are qualified we can't give you the help you need and deserve in these circumstances. Posts like this, including posts about immediate self-injury or suicidal intentions, may be deleted or the thread closed with the advice to seek professional help - not because we don't care, but because we do! Crisis line information is available in the Resources Forum and can often be found at the front of your phone book. People on these lines assure me they are there for partners, family or friends whose loved ones are in crisis too. These lines can refer you to an appropriate service for immediate help. It is OK to post for sympathy and support after you have set up this help. Please start the post by saying so, so that other members don't feel that they need to help and can't - I'm sure everyone here knows only too well how bad that can feel!

Pre-existing Relationships with Other Members -

If your partner, family member or friend is a member of this board, or if you know that other members are supporting the same "survivor", please talk to each other how you will handle being members of the same board. Agree on whether you'll post and reply in the same topics or read the same forums. Please stick to those agreements. Any arguments about this on the board will be deleted, since they distress other members and it's better for you too to sort this out in private. Persistent problems may lead to all the related members being suspended or banned. I know that isn't really fair, but I can't see another way to deal with this issue. Please, if at all possible, deal with this in a friendly way amongst yourselves. I'll never take action of that kind without warning. If anyone has a better idea, I genuinely want to hear it! Please PM me or email me, or post it for discussion in the Suggestions thread in the Announcements and Trouble-shooting Forum.

Every relationship is different and all of you deserve support. If you find that you aren't all comfortable sharing the same board please check the Spring Board Links forum for other boards which offer support and may suit one or more of you.

If you have a pre-existing relationship with other members on the board, please let the other board members know. It can be very confusing to feel like you're in a discussion relating to one "survivor" when the relationships aren't clear. It can also be distressing to feel as if words designed to support one member might be at the expense of another if related members disagree.

If you're an intimate partner and would like the Sexuality and Intimacy forum closed to other members who know you or your partner, please PM or email me with the usernames of those members. I'll change their forum permissions so they cannot see that forum and inform them of the changes. If you are one of those other members please understand and respect the partner's wish for privacy so they can get the support they and their partner need.

If your relationship with a "survivor" changes (or with a "supporter" if you are a "survivor"), for example if your partnership or friendships comes to a definite end, please contact me as soon as possible and before posting again. This is just a cautionary measure.

Supporters Who Are Also Survivors -

Currently people who identify themselves as "supporters" when they join are able to access the "supporters-only" sections of the board. This may mean that there are some people who are both "supporters" and "survivors" who have access to the private forums. I think that if people follow the guidelines above about respecting and supporting one another this won't be a problem. But I'm aware some of you may feel differently. Please don't hesitate to contact me about this. I'll certainly listen and, as soon as possible, I'll post polls in the What Next? Private Forum so "supporters" can have their say on who has access to which forums. If most people are uncomfortable with the current set-up I'll change it.

How Decisions Will be Made (Board Procedures) -

This is a moderated message board, which means I can control who's a member and what's posted. I'm aware of how scary that may be for some people! Please don't be scared - I don't intend to run this board on my own! I've asked a group of "supporter" members to be an advisory team. They'll be able to review any decisions I make. I'll also ask questions and set up polls so we can all discuss what we want out of this board, or any new board, and develop good ideas together. Please feel free to start your own discussions about these sorts of things in What Next? forums. Members and guests can also make suggestions in the Suggestions thread in the Announcements and Trouble-shooting Forum.

The advantage of a moderated board is that people who join in order to harass other members can be banned and offensive posts removed. Unfortunately, that does happen - I saw some sickening examples while looking at message boards to create the list in the Spring Board Links Forum. So having someone monitoring posts and enforcing guidelines makes this board slightly more controlled, but also safer. Having a moderated board also means there's someone to come to with any concerns, either technical or people-related. Please don't hesitate to PM or email me. You can also contact a member of the advisory team and ask them to pass on your concerns to me anonymously. Please understand and be patient if responses to concerns passed on this way are slower than direct responses from me.

To find out who is on the advisory team, click on MEMBERS at the top right hand corner of your screen, then at the bottom of the list where it says showing "All members", change it to showing "Advisory team" and click "Go!". Please understand that I'm the only person who's committed to being available on a day-to-day basis. The members of the advisory team will usually be able to respond to a PM or email from me within a few days to a week.

Sometimes decisions need to made more quickly than that. If they involve closing or deleting posts or changes in membership status I'll always ask for review by the advisory team. If the majority of members of the advisory team who're able to answer within a week disagree with me I'll reverse the decision. If possible, I'll also reverse decisions if members of the advisory team contact me after that and their response means the majority disagrees. Decisions involving changes to the guidelines, forums or structure of the board won't ever be made without consulting the whole advisory team and getting the agreement of the majority. Wherever possible, I'll also give all the members the opportunity to discuss those decisions before they're made.

If you'd like any other decision to be reviewed please just reply to me with the note - "advisory team review please". I'm very willing to ask for a review and I won't be offended at all. I realize that as a "survivor" not a "supporter" I may have a different perspective and my attitude as Board Administrator is one of service to the members, especially the "supporter" members for whom this board was set up.

Actions which might be taken if I receive a complaint, or if I and a member of the advisory team, agree there's a problem -
*A member may be asked to edit a post
*A member may be asked to apologise or correct misunderstandings
*A member may be asked to withdraw a post
*Topics may be closed - whenever possible reasons will first be given in a reply
*On rare occasions a post may be deleted - the member who posted will be given reasons and I'll always send the decision to the advisory team for review
*On even rarer occasions a whole thread may need to be deleted - each member who's posted will be given reasons and the decision won't be made without first having the majority agreement of the advisory team
*A member may be warned - the member will be given reasons and I'll always send the decision to the advisory team for review
*A member may be placed on probation - the member will be given reasons, I'll always send the decision to the advisory team for review, and without majority agreement from the advisory team the probation will be lifted. Majority agreement from the advisory team will also be required to end any probationary period.
*A member may be suspended - this'll happen automatically after three warnings or a breach of my requests or the guidelines while a member's on probation, it may also happen in exceptional circumstances, but will always be reviewed by the advisory team and reversed without majority agreement
*A member may be banned - this will only happen for repeated breaches of the guidelines, after warning, suspension and probation, or in exceptional circumstances. It may be the immediate result of personal attacks or abusive behaviour and will be the result of hacking or other disruption to the message board's structure. It'll always be reviewed by the advisory team and reversed without majority agreement.
*If any problems arise involving me or a member of the advisory team, please don't hesitate to contact another member of the advisory team or me, and the situation will be reviewed by other members of the advisory team, or if they choose to do so, the advisory team may choose a member at random and, if they agree to help, ask them give their view. You can always refuse to agree to help, in which case you won't be given any details and another member will be randomly selected and asked the same question.

There are times when taking action may mean checking in with a member or carefully watching the development of a thread. In order to protect the confidentiality of sensitive interactions with members, unless your report or complaint directly involves the Board Administrator, you often won't be informed of the actions taken in response to it. Please be assured that any feedback or complaints I receive will be dealt with as sensitively and seriously as possible. Thank you for bringing my attention to any issue that is bothering you - by doing so you help to make the board a safer, more supportive and more useful place for everyone.

It's in the nature of a moderated board that someone, usually the Board Administrator, has to make the final decisions. I've outlined the basis on which I'll make them and how they'll be reviewed. There may still be times when you don't agree with a decision that's been taken. Please treat me and the members of the advisory team, like all other members, with respect (as outlined above). Don't post negative comments about us on the board and contact us privately about your concerns about specific decisions. That doesn't mean you can't make general comments on the board. Constructive suggestions are always welcome in the Suggestions thread in the Announcements and Trouble-Shooting Forum or in the What Next? Forums. It's perfectly possible to disagree respectfully!

Please feel very free to PM me or email me if anything bothers you or you don't agree with any decision I've made. I'll certainly listen, send the decision for review by the advisory team if they haven't already reviewed it, explain reasons (within limits) and bear in mind what you've said in making any future decisions. Please feel free to ask questions, either by contacting me directly or in the Announcements and Trouble-Shooting Forum.

If you're in doubt about a particular post it's also perfectly fine to run it by me first. I'll be happy to help as much as I can. Please be patient with me if I'm slow, especially if your questions or concerns require a complex response - I'm sometimes interrupted by my own health or trauma issues and I want to give your messages the careful attention they deserve. Please also be patient with members of the advisory team - all of them are volunteers and are "supporter" members for the same kind of reasons you are. Sometimes my own personal issues as a "survivor" or theirs as "supporters" may make it hard for us to help you as much or as quickly as we'd like to. Please be understanding and patient with us.

Thank you for reading these guidelines and procedures. I hope they'll help make the board a very safe and supportive place for everyone.

With lots of warm good wishes,
Margie.